Depth of the Heart's Desire

It’s been almost two months since my husband and I were personally inducted into the foster care system and the adjectives to describe the experience are all over the place just like my emotions.   We were originally signed up to become adoptive parents, but a need arose and we said yes to caring for an elementary age child.   It was sweet and honorable and a definite faith response, but we really didn’t know the details of what would follow.   We seriously just understood the need, answered the call and entered in faith.

I have since learned that while we were pursuing an outright permanent adoption of a child under age 5, God seemed to want for us to also learn about what it means to temporarily “foster” a child.  They are two very different things.

My understanding of foster care might be best expressed in a series of vignettes.  Nevertheless, to give you an idea of the emotions I’ve experienced, I’ll offer up the following descriptions:   

Nervous about the unknown

Excited about the possibility to help a child

 Hopeful about the rehabilitation for the family

Confused about all the many different social workers you have to interact with

Concerned if relevant information shared with one social worker will make it to the others

Frustrated at the slow or lack of responses from case managers & therapists

Disappointed in the mystery and lack of information provided

Annoyed that information not provided could be relevant to childrearing  

Hurt by the reactions and words a hurt child expresses

Afraid that being too strong in disciplining will trigger bad memories for the child

Saddened by the thoughts of what might have occurred in the family

Amazed at the changes in behavior

Focused on remaining unbiased, non-judgmental and prayerful

Committed to expecting a miracle and seeing God’s promises of healing and restoration come to life

Open to learning the lessons of this journey

 

I’m getting used to things and learning what things are worth fighting for and which to let go.   I have learned a great deal about patience, grace & love for others and about trust in God.  I have realized that it is true that while we tell God the desires of our hearts (in my case, the deep desire to adopt and care for orphans), God in all his wisdom, knows the root of those desires and ultimately His ways are higher than ours.   Foster care is not what I prayed for, definitely not how I envisioned it, but I can see how God has taken my earnest desire to help hurting children and families and is using this experience to show me something much bigger than I expected.  His ways are higher than mine.     

As a foster parent, I now know caring for others in crisis is hard.  I know enough to say it can’t be easy for others involved.  I have gained a deeper appreciation and want to say thank you to all the social workers; not just the ones I’m surrounded by at Carrfour Supportive Housing or the new ones I’ve been introduced to, but all of you, who from the true desire to help others, have chosen this selfless and often thankless career.  

You are heroes.  I have seen some of the tantrums you’ve had to manage, I know you are likely overworked and underpaid, but I encourage you to continue your good work because you are making a difference.   You are not only serving your clients directly, but you are also impacting people like my husband and me; and we thank you for that.   Through the growing pains, we are ultimately thankful for your service and sorry you don’t hear it enough.   The National Social Work month in March is not enough to honor you for your labor of love.  Thank you.  Be encouraged and strengthened.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Getting Lost

^2-4 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve been shown the mystery! I’m telling you this because I don’t want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or “the Secret.”

⁵ I’m a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I’m on your side, right beside you. I am delighted to hear of the careful and orderly ways you conduct your affairs, and impressed with the solid substance of your faith in Christ.  Colossians 2:1-15 The Message (MSG)

 

After nine straight days of ministry work (locally and internationally), I found myself with indescribable feelings as I prepared to return to my job.   I found this odd because I’ve always been the first to admit that my Monday – Friday job is more than a job, it is a ministry which I take great pleasure in.   My full time job every week is caring for people (who are at times, the most hopeless and forgotten in our world) and I do so for a mission driven organization.   It is this work that has given me a real world knowledge of pain & suffering; it is this work that has not only helped me define compassion but also stirred the passion in me to look beyond someone’s exterior to what God might see.  So what was going on with me? Why was I feeling so heavy hearted?

That Sunday evening, my mind went to several different Bible passages but the verse that says, “In Him we live and move and have our being…” in Acts chapter 17 verse 28 came to remembrance.  What does that really mean, to have ones being in God?  I wondered what being in this world, but not of this world meant. What about flesh and spirit; what is the boundary line? How do we genuinely understand and serve the world around us without getting our hearts lost in it?  How can I love people with my soul and give them my talents and time without getting so deep that I lose myself? I sat on my bed, eager for answers, and began to search the Bible.  I was led to Colossians 2 and was encouraged, but I really didn’t understand why I was reading it. 

I went on with the work week and had an inspiring meeting with a judge who diligently advocates for the mentally ill who are often incarcerated and not given proper treatment & services for their illness. 

A few days later I met with an attorney/land owner, but more importantly, a mother to a mentally ill adult.  With tears in her eyes, she shared with me the story of how she would walk behind her daughter as she wandered the streets just to make sure she would not be harmed.  On a separate occasion, she even, without telling her husband who she knew would forbid it, went into an old motel searching for her daughter who had disappeared.   After many long hours of waiting, they were contacted by law enforcement in a different state.  This mother/advocate has spent decades studying mental illness and went on to share with me her philosophy on the voices in our heads. 

While I knew mental illnesses surround us like a plague, I was shaken by what I learned that week. It became ever so real.  I was intrigued by the information and overwhelmed by the reality of it all.   My soul just wanted to jump in to understand and fix it all.  I was then reminded and reflected on the wisdom that God had even me just a few days earlier; I returned to Colossians 2:1-15

I know there is a depth of knowledge of evil, pain and suffering that I don’t yet understand and that God in His sovereignty and love will never show any of us – and for that I am thankful.   But I am also aware that there is still more for me to learn about the mighty power and authority of this loving God that I serve.  I will trust him and be wise. I will wait on His timing, for it is in Him that I live and move and have my being. It is for His love of the lost and hurting that I serve and sacrifice, but I will not get lost in my passion to rescue.

 

We can go in circles searching for answers and end up losing our minds in that attempt.  That is very dangerous and I’ve learned to heed the advice in Colossians 2:4 so for now, I will only introduce 3 websites to illustrate the above.

1.  The Forgotten Floor-An example of the severity of the problem:
   http://miami.cbslocal.com/latest-videos/?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=9235908
2. The power of our mind- Research from a trusted Christian neurologist:
   http://drleaf.com/media/the-gift-in-you/
3. The primary source of truth for my brain:http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12:1-3&version=NIV