It Makes No Sense

It is well with my soul

I can go back to the very moment, the first and last time, the words resounded clearly in my being.  It was after a Sunday service, in a brief moment when my Pastor asked me how I was doing.  He knew of the trials and news my husband and I were experiencing; he knew I had reason to be in sorrow. My Pastor seemed to be surprised when I responded saying, “It is well with my soul.”

In that moment in which those words came out of my mouth, I had found peace.   Indeed, I was in a daily fight to keep my Sweet Jesus Joy in the middle of processing the fact that my husband I and were told we were never going to be able to bear children together.  But somehow, I knew that my God would come through to fill this deep desire in our hearts.  I honestly didn't know why or how this was all happening to us and quite frankly just grew tired of trying to make sense of it- believe me I tried.   God had literally put me (a “I wanna to be in control" crazy kind of planner person) into a situation I didn’t cause and could do nothing to change.  It was out of my control and I hated it! But in that incredibly uncomfortable season, I learned about trust.  I sought out my God and reached a new level of love and trust for my Father.  

After my toiling with the “why?" and "its not fair” for a while, I progressed a bit and began to dwell in what I know about God and not what I didn’t know about my situation.  In that process,  I found peace, I prayed for trust and fought for my joy!   It was the truth when I said, “it is well with my soul”.   Not because I knew what next, but because I knew whatever was next was good.   Not just the “good" that we use in our usual talk but the Good, well-pleasing and perfect used to describe the will of God in Romans 12.2.   I knew that only GOOD could only come from my Creator and the lover of my soul who knows me better than I know myself.  

Out of that trial, unfolded a truly precious love story that was an answer to over a decade old prayer and is still teaching us today.   A foster and adoption story I pray we’ll fully share one day, but for today suffices to say that it brought us our beloved foster son who was reunified with his family after 10 months in our care and our Amazing Karis who we miraculously adopted from foster care after only 8 months of receiving her.  If you know foster care, you know that was GRACE!

But before the mountain top of our "forever family” adoption celebration on National Adoption Day, I had to come to a place where I could say, and believe, “it is well with my soul".   Be encouraged: no matter where you find yourself today- know that God loves you. Don’t wait for the event you are praying for, but find peace and joy in who God is.  

Awkward Congratulations

Awkward Congratulations 

If "congratulations" is such an exciting expression, than why would I hesitate to respond? Yes, I understand it's the natural thing to say when someone introduces a new child, but it's a bit different for foster parents.  And well, as experienced foster parents with multiple cases that resulted in both reunification and adoption, we now know better what we were in for.  So in the seconds, before I responded with the proper "thank you", I thought to myself something like, "if you only knew what we just signed up for."  

Then I started to feel guilty about that uncertain "thank you" I spoke.  Let me clarify... I am absolutely grateful for the kind expression, it's just that this road is hard and receiving a child into our home is only just the starting line.  It's the beginning of an emotional roller coaster with a lots of mental and physical sacrifice.  It's more than just caring for a child; it's taking her to weekly visits with the biological family, it's showing up to court hearings to stay informed, it's welcoming into your home every month a case manager and (if you are blessed enough to have one appointed for the child) a guardian ad litem.  If the above excluded people and their attitudes, it could be a challenge more of us would accept.  But, I ain't gonna lie to you my friend.   There is drama... and sadness; it requires some wisdom and compassion and perseverance.  

Through God's eyes, it is easy to fall in love with a child.  That being said, the possibility of eventually having to part ways is very scaring.  But what faith would we have if we let that selfish fear keep us from loving and helping families in crisis?  

The good news is God promises to equip us (Hebrews 13:21) and I believe what He has written.  As Christians, we have to pray and trust that God's perfect love will cast out our fear (1 John 4:18).  We must choose to love without reservation, for the sake of others and not for our own interest or desired outcome. So if you are congratulating us for being crazy enough to accept this challenge to care for children in the foster care system, then I genuinely thank you.   I ask you to please pray for us and other foster parents; pray that our eyes would always be on the Father who loves selflessly and unconditionally.  Lastly and most importantly, I challenge you to ask yourself what area of your life is requiring you to trust God to cast away your fear.  What new level is He calling you to press through?

Brave Love

He came from Honduras to pave a way in the United States of America, the land of opportunity.  He worked hard, he learned to speak, read and write English.  He taught his four children discipline, courage and perseverance. Through his personal example, we learned about our duty to love and serve others.  I have always admired my father.

My love and deep respect for his valiant and pure heart has grown over the last few years.  This chapter begins when my husband and I began our adoption journey.  We decided to meet with our parents to tell them about our decision to adopt.  We began with my mother and father in their living room one afternoon.  I will never forget my father's first response - to call on our God.  That afternoon, my dad led us in a sweet and powerful prayer; it was empowering.  It was the kind of prayer we needed to help carry us through the mountain of paper work, the waiting and the doubt that lied ahead.

Life does not always play out as we plan it.   The private adoption we prepared for did not occur.  Instead from one day to the next, my husband and I found ourselves answering "yes" to the call to become non relative care givers to an eleven year old boy.  This sweet boy needed the love and discipline of a father which he received from my one of a kind husband.  What I didn't expect was that our foster son would also receive the love, care and fun from a grandfather, a role my dear old dad took on so easily.  The picture of my father and foster son watching the sunset from their balcony still warms my heart.

A couple months into our induction to the foster are system, just as we officially became a licensed foster home, we received the call that we have been praying for... A healthy baby girl is waiting to be picked up from the hospital.   "Yes", we answered, with high expectations that as a resource home, we could one day become her forever family.  We all welcomed the sweet angel into our family.   My father assisted with diaper changes, feeding and rocking the princess to sleep when needed, but it was the moral and physical support that he provided us with while we navigated through the foster care system which has left a lasting impression on my life.

My dad, is a wise, praying man; he is discerning and brave.  He is compassionate and passionate when it comes to doing what is right to help and defend those who can not do so for themselves. He could see through my fear of the unknown and was always available to hear me talk through the new concerns and frustrations.  As my daddy, he insisted in accompanying me and our newborn to the agency twice a week so that our foster daughter could visit with her biological parents.  He needed to keep us safe.  The tough girl in me would have pushed through it on my own, but it meant the world to me to know that my father was there with me.  These visits were truly an emotional experience and potentially dangerous.  I think he knew that my "fearlessness" in this case was really nievity.  I believe that in the spiritual realm, he understood a lot more than I did about the battle the was truly taking place.

The fact that he was witness to what I saw was reassuring for me because when I questioned what I saw and reacted to it emotionally, he was there to help me process it.   I was not an overly empathetic female exaggerating things. He also understood things really are rough for our precious children and their families.  The dysfunctions and pain in our families became ever so real and incredible hard to process.   I made it through that season much in part because of his prayers and day to day support.

After our foster son returned to his home and we officially adopted our princess, my husband and I discussed fostering again (something we, honestly could not do without the super hero grandparents).  My dad understood clearly why being a family to a child in the foster care system is so very crucial for our society today.  He was the first to support our desire to foster a third child, even with the knowledge that we will fall in love with him or her and may, after a few months, have to dismiss the child back to his parent(s) or relative(s).  Without a doubt, it is hard to fall in love and then have to say goodbye, but that sacrifice foster parents and their support team make is nothing compared to the pain the children endure outside of a safe and loving home.   My husband and I can offer our home and hearts because of the support of my dear mother and father.

Today, I pray dad knows the impact he has made in the lives of his own biological children, but also those of his foster and adopted grandchildren.   He has always been and continues to be a mission driven man.  I honor my father for who he is and for who he continues to help us become.

Who are you needing to thank and honor this Father's Day?

Depth of the Heart's Desire

It’s been almost two months since my husband and I were personally inducted into the foster care system and the adjectives to describe the experience are all over the place just like my emotions.   We were originally signed up to become adoptive parents, but a need arose and we said yes to caring for an elementary age child.   It was sweet and honorable and a definite faith response, but we really didn’t know the details of what would follow.   We seriously just understood the need, answered the call and entered in faith.

I have since learned that while we were pursuing an outright permanent adoption of a child under age 5, God seemed to want for us to also learn about what it means to temporarily “foster” a child.  They are two very different things.

My understanding of foster care might be best expressed in a series of vignettes.  Nevertheless, to give you an idea of the emotions I’ve experienced, I’ll offer up the following descriptions:   

Nervous about the unknown

Excited about the possibility to help a child

 Hopeful about the rehabilitation for the family

Confused about all the many different social workers you have to interact with

Concerned if relevant information shared with one social worker will make it to the others

Frustrated at the slow or lack of responses from case managers & therapists

Disappointed in the mystery and lack of information provided

Annoyed that information not provided could be relevant to childrearing  

Hurt by the reactions and words a hurt child expresses

Afraid that being too strong in disciplining will trigger bad memories for the child

Saddened by the thoughts of what might have occurred in the family

Amazed at the changes in behavior

Focused on remaining unbiased, non-judgmental and prayerful

Committed to expecting a miracle and seeing God’s promises of healing and restoration come to life

Open to learning the lessons of this journey

 

I’m getting used to things and learning what things are worth fighting for and which to let go.   I have learned a great deal about patience, grace & love for others and about trust in God.  I have realized that it is true that while we tell God the desires of our hearts (in my case, the deep desire to adopt and care for orphans), God in all his wisdom, knows the root of those desires and ultimately His ways are higher than ours.   Foster care is not what I prayed for, definitely not how I envisioned it, but I can see how God has taken my earnest desire to help hurting children and families and is using this experience to show me something much bigger than I expected.  His ways are higher than mine.     

As a foster parent, I now know caring for others in crisis is hard.  I know enough to say it can’t be easy for others involved.  I have gained a deeper appreciation and want to say thank you to all the social workers; not just the ones I’m surrounded by at Carrfour Supportive Housing or the new ones I’ve been introduced to, but all of you, who from the true desire to help others, have chosen this selfless and often thankless career.  

You are heroes.  I have seen some of the tantrums you’ve had to manage, I know you are likely overworked and underpaid, but I encourage you to continue your good work because you are making a difference.   You are not only serving your clients directly, but you are also impacting people like my husband and me; and we thank you for that.   Through the growing pains, we are ultimately thankful for your service and sorry you don’t hear it enough.   The National Social Work month in March is not enough to honor you for your labor of love.  Thank you.  Be encouraged and strengthened.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Getting Lost

^2-4 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve been shown the mystery! I’m telling you this because I don’t want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or “the Secret.”

⁵ I’m a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I’m on your side, right beside you. I am delighted to hear of the careful and orderly ways you conduct your affairs, and impressed with the solid substance of your faith in Christ.  Colossians 2:1-15 The Message (MSG)

 

After nine straight days of ministry work (locally and internationally), I found myself with indescribable feelings as I prepared to return to my job.   I found this odd because I’ve always been the first to admit that my Monday – Friday job is more than a job, it is a ministry which I take great pleasure in.   My full time job every week is caring for people (who are at times, the most hopeless and forgotten in our world) and I do so for a mission driven organization.   It is this work that has given me a real world knowledge of pain & suffering; it is this work that has not only helped me define compassion but also stirred the passion in me to look beyond someone’s exterior to what God might see.  So what was going on with me? Why was I feeling so heavy hearted?

That Sunday evening, my mind went to several different Bible passages but the verse that says, “In Him we live and move and have our being…” in Acts chapter 17 verse 28 came to remembrance.  What does that really mean, to have ones being in God?  I wondered what being in this world, but not of this world meant. What about flesh and spirit; what is the boundary line? How do we genuinely understand and serve the world around us without getting our hearts lost in it?  How can I love people with my soul and give them my talents and time without getting so deep that I lose myself? I sat on my bed, eager for answers, and began to search the Bible.  I was led to Colossians 2 and was encouraged, but I really didn’t understand why I was reading it. 

I went on with the work week and had an inspiring meeting with a judge who diligently advocates for the mentally ill who are often incarcerated and not given proper treatment & services for their illness. 

A few days later I met with an attorney/land owner, but more importantly, a mother to a mentally ill adult.  With tears in her eyes, she shared with me the story of how she would walk behind her daughter as she wandered the streets just to make sure she would not be harmed.  On a separate occasion, she even, without telling her husband who she knew would forbid it, went into an old motel searching for her daughter who had disappeared.   After many long hours of waiting, they were contacted by law enforcement in a different state.  This mother/advocate has spent decades studying mental illness and went on to share with me her philosophy on the voices in our heads. 

While I knew mental illnesses surround us like a plague, I was shaken by what I learned that week. It became ever so real.  I was intrigued by the information and overwhelmed by the reality of it all.   My soul just wanted to jump in to understand and fix it all.  I was then reminded and reflected on the wisdom that God had even me just a few days earlier; I returned to Colossians 2:1-15

I know there is a depth of knowledge of evil, pain and suffering that I don’t yet understand and that God in His sovereignty and love will never show any of us – and for that I am thankful.   But I am also aware that there is still more for me to learn about the mighty power and authority of this loving God that I serve.  I will trust him and be wise. I will wait on His timing, for it is in Him that I live and move and have my being. It is for His love of the lost and hurting that I serve and sacrifice, but I will not get lost in my passion to rescue.

 

We can go in circles searching for answers and end up losing our minds in that attempt.  That is very dangerous and I’ve learned to heed the advice in Colossians 2:4 so for now, I will only introduce 3 websites to illustrate the above.

1.  The Forgotten Floor-An example of the severity of the problem:
   http://miami.cbslocal.com/latest-videos/?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=9235908
2. The power of our mind- Research from a trusted Christian neurologist:
   http://drleaf.com/media/the-gift-in-you/
3. The primary source of truth for my brain:http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12:1-3&version=NIV 

He Hears

On a leisurely Sunday with family, I held in my arms my little three month old nephew.  He was a little whiny as he struggled to go back to sleep, so for over fifth-teen minutes, I patiently rocked him. Then out of nowhere,  his whimpering turned into loud cries.  I knew these were hunger cries and his momma confirmed it when she said, "no, this can't be, I just fed you!"  I tired to see if I can pacify him for a little longer, but he was not having it! In a matter of seconds, his cries turned into a desperate scream; it sounded like he was in serious pain.  I rocked him for a little longer to give my sister, who was only a few feet away, some time to wash her hands before nursing him again. Then it hit me so hard... that as painful as his hunger might be in this short moment, this precious boy has a mom who is running to feed him, his every need is being cared for. But how many children in third world countries cry for hours, until they tire and can cry no longer?  How many children in the United States of American cry, but go without care?  This thought was unbearable to me.  I began to weep as I saw the faces of neglected and abused children right here in our city.  

My consolation, in that moment of painful empathy, was knowing that our home will soon be filled with joy: joy in our hearts and joy in that of our adopted children who will be given a chance at a life much different from the one they could have. 

We have prayed for our children for the greater part of our married life.  Over the last few years, the Lord has made it clear to everyone in our family that His will is for us to adopt first. This has not been an easy journey by far as there were many obstacles in our way including a "never ending" short sale that, thankfully, is now behind us. We did our part and took our foster/adoption course, started several tedious applications and made the move to prepare for our home study.  So much paper work!  I couldn't tell you my frustration at the thought that adoption is way harder than getting pregnant!  But, this week, we finally got an agency to schedule our home study and that is another confirmation that my God has heard my cry. 

I know there are other cries He's been consoling.  God showed me this with the last question in one of the applications, specifically about the health condition of the child we are willing to adopt.  The options are:
"A premature child (under 4 lbs at birth)
No prenatal care
A child with a corrective disability or birth defect
A child with a genetic disorder or birth defect
A child conceived as a result of incest
A child conceived as a result of rape
A healthy child with a family background of genetic problems or birth defects"

The night I read those questions, God took me from my own pain through the pain of the children in orphanages (that I've long been praying for) and right to the sufferings of the birth families.  I had never considered the birth mother's story as deeply as I did that night. I was torn to pieces. 

This morning, God gently woke me up to pray for the mother of our child. I prayed that she would find strength in her struggle.  I prayed for healing, not just in her body but also deep down in her soul; for forgiveness and love to cover her pain. I pray she finds the hope in God, the promise of a good life under His care no matter how terrible of a life it's been to date.  I pray she finds comfort in knowing that our sweet Savior hears our cries and that He is able to turn our sorrow into joy.  

The journey hasn't been easy and I don't know the details of how this story ends, but I trust my God- I know He hears us when we call...

Sweet Jesus Joy!

   The longer I live, the more pain I see.  As the wife of a minister and a housing developer for the formerly homeless in South Florida, I have witnessed many happy & triumphal moments, but I have also witnessed some incredibly dreadful blows.  More recently I’ve delved deeper into the foster care world…I must confess, it’s challenged me to trust God from the bottom of my heart and not to try to figure out everything on my own. These precious children have done no wrong, but have, at such a tender age, suffered more than most of us could imagine.  Pain does not discriminate and this truth deeply saddens me.

   It is in those moments, that I have to steer my eyes back to the God I’ve looked to for almost two decades.  I have to remind myself that my loving Father, that God, never intended for us to drown in unbearable pain.  If I give up the fight to hold on to what I know is true, I will not be able to see beyond the fog that is caused by pain and onto the promises He’s written in His Word for me.    And so the warrior in me asserts that this lukewarmness is unacceptable.  I decide!

   Then a few simple, yet powerful verses jump to mind: “this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it” & “the joy of the Lord is my strength” and “Rejoice in the Lord always”.   I thought I knew what joy is and what these verses really mean.   But, do I understand what God is telling me through His word?   (or the even harder question) Do I believe what is written or is my faith conditioned by circumstance?  

   In the mist of this doubt, one thing that was clear to me was that I did not want to ever live a day without joy: that's what I decided!  For some time now, I have prayed to God to show me what He means by “delight yourself in the Lord”.  More importantly, I asked God to show me how to get to and stay in that state.  And there began my battle to maintain my “Sweet Jesus Joy! ™”

   I uttered the words “Sweet Jesus Joy™” and in time, the depth and beauty of its meaning became clear.   Sweet Jesus Joy™ is perfect delight made constant by Jesus; it is complete in every situation.  Sweet Jesus Joy™ is a true contentment for the most painful times; for the sorrowful seasons which can profoundly mark even the strongest soul and rattle off course the most meticulous planner. 

  Sweet Jesus Joy™ is accessible to us whenever we choose to abide in it.  It comes from a place of love; a place of knowing the trueness of the one who loves you the purest and believing just enough to step out and love Him in return, even when you don’t understand the suffering.  We can & often bury it among other contents of our hearts.  But, as long as we acknowledge the love from which this Sweet Jesus Joy™ comes and the power & truth behind it, it will always rise above any deeply embedded emotion that battles for our life.  

Sweet Jesus Joy™ is a decision that most often requires endurance, but it is always worth fighting for.  It is a sweet gift that remains constant even when we are fragile.  I choose to live everyday in Sweet Jesus Joy™ while I trust Him to gently carry me through.